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Shopping as a Traitor to the Carbs

Imagine attending the most prestigious gala of the decade, a gathering where the crème de la crème of society has assembled – renowned actors, influential politicians, spiritual leaders, business magnates, and sports legends. However, they’ll have to endure your presence as well.

Weeks ago, you received an invitation that felt more like a summons. Your attendance is compulsory, even though the elite attendees abhor the very sight of you.

There was a time when you were on friendly terms with these distinguished individuals, and they cherished your company. But those days are long gone. As you navigate the vast venue, you can sense their disdainful gazes and overhear their hushed slurs and imprecations.

This is how grocery shopping feels for me these days.

I step into the store, and familiar faces like Aunt Jemima and her neighbor, Mrs. Butterworth, regard me as if I’m a traitor. I scurry around the corner to avoid their accusing stares and find myself in the cereal aisle.

Cap’n Crunch spots me and brandishes his sword, Count Chocula reveals his fangs, and on an oatmeal box, an elderly man wearing an antiquated black hat lowers his head and openly prays for my reckoning and atonement.

I turn another corner, and unexpectedly, a red Golden Retriever bites me, stationed next to a display of canned baked beans. I yelp in agony, eliciting raucous laughter from Betty Crocker, Sara Lee, and Uncle Ben, who are nearby.

My suffering amuses them all. However, there are still a few in the store who harbor some affection for me, and the commotion brings two of them rushing over. Jimmy Dean and Oscar Mayer chase the dog away and summon another friend, someone I’ve always thought of as a bit nutty.

Suddenly, this dandy legume appears, donning a top hat, white gloves, and two-toned shoes. He puts down his cane and inserts a monocle to inspect my injury. He downplays it as trivial and says he didn’t expect me to be here today. But, with a sly grin emerging on his face, he adds that it’s nice to see me breaking out of my shell.

Evidently, every peanut thinks they’re hilarious.

Feeling it was time to make a quick exit, I navigate through the produce section. As I pass by onions, tomatoes, and peppers, I hear a familiar taunting voice hurling jibes my way. I glance over and spot Mr. Potato Head nestled between the Idaho Russets and the Yukon Golds, his tongue protruding mockingly. That guy could make a mint as an insult comic in Vegas.

Suddenly, I become conscious of a tremendous uproar, and I spot Marie Callender, Hungry Jack, and Mr. Pibb storming towards me with visible anger. Just as they are about to apprehend me, the Jack Link Sasquatch intervenes, momentarily impeding their advance through a series of threatening snarls and gestures.

Dashing towards the exit, I fail to pay attention to my path. I lose my footing, become airborne, and ultimately crash face-first onto the unforgiving tiled floor.

As I collect myself from the floor, attempting to maintain my dignity, I notice a banana peel lying nearby. A statuesque, exotic-looking woman adorned with a fruit bowl on her head gives me a sly wink and remarks, “Catch you next week, keto boy.”